My life entry 5 | lion2you's Blog

I haven't made one of these in awhile and right now i just need to get all the yucky feelings out.  I cant stop thinking about how I screwed up at the other place.  I remember all the amazing things we did together and i cant believe i screwed up that badly they were my family.  Or I thought they were my family.  I thought they could be the family i never had.  And nothing ever works out the way I hope.  Izzy from the foster family i was just with has two families now why on earth would anyone need two families i have no idea. But she has two and i have zero.  I have friends, well I hope I have friends. I find that i mess up wherever I go and maybe  i am messing up here too.  The foster mother from the other house said I was a thief and a druggie and a liar and everyother thing she could think of.  She was always talking to me telling me to pay attention, when I was upset at anything I really couldnt pay attention to what was going on.  My emotional pain over ruled anything else that was going on and makes it so I cant see anything but my own pain.  I cant help it thats just the way i am.  And by forcing me to listen to you yell at me you are hurting me.  That was my defense mechanism put up after years and years of the same thing.  My birth parents if they yelled at me it was usually beating time.  So putting up a wall around you seems like a pretty good idea dont you think.  With that wall up i couldnt feel any of the hurt or hear any of the hurt.  So even years after the abuse stopped the wall still goes up.  I tried my hardest to listen to you I really did.  But trying hurt me, so i had to make the hurt go away another way.  So i cut and then you guys kept going on and on about how that was the pussy way out and i was only looking for attention and you know what it wasnt, it was the only thing i had that saved me from myself hearing myself bad talk me about everything wrong i have ever done.  I still blame myself in every way for lucas's leg.  And i wonder right now is everything back to normal with izzy going to to school and juju doing everything she did and Jeff going to work and is everything back to the way it was before I came into the picture and destroyed everything.  I was a monster and hurt everyone around me.  I never meant to hurt anyone else.  but i did it anyway and i am so sorry
My mood: extremely overwhelmed




All These Lives - by - Daughtry